If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
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Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Did my cat write this
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
my name if I was in the mob
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.