If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
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Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.