I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello