It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
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therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
*pronounces patio like ratio
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.