Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
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Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol