What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
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99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that