In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
You Might Also Like
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
The glockness monster
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
From Facebook just now…
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.