Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
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Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work