Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
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Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.