My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
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It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.