I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
You Might Also Like
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.