I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
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Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no