It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
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Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?