*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
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*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
we all know this pain all too well
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard