Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
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Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?