To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
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2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]