I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
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Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Milk Cube
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.