You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
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Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
What the hell is going on?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Siri: Retweet me.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet