like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
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My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.