I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
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If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
i now pronounce you bounced.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
this article brought to you by lions
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards