It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
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Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story