$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
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I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Him: I鈥檓 so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I鈥檒l most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn鈥檛 eaten yet.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Cardio Made Easy
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
馃幎 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 馃幎
Why can鈥檛 I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he鈥檚 given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
It鈥檚 too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
describing stardew valley
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”