My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
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When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear