The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
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He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.