After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
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[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
“you recording!?”
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.