Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
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“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
“I took care of your clown problem.”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
the saddest jazz hands ever
I beg your pardon?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Erm I’m gonna say no
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate