before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.