Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
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Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
The Backseat Boys
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!