Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
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Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”