Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
You Might Also Like
put ‘er there pardner!
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
this makes me so uncomfortable
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Big Sex has us all fooled
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
A comma is just a period with a mullet.