A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?