I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
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Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Why isn鈥檛 everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fianc茅 deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald鈥檚 and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it鈥檚 targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I鈥檓 going to buy. What does he think I鈥檓 going to buy, a tiger?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
馃挴馃槀
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”