“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
You Might Also Like
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
what day is it?