Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Sing it!
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift