Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
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Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb