Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
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Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
President The Rock Obama
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….