I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
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[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
is this store having a stroke wtf
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs