I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
You Might Also Like
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Just ordered me some pizza!
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.