Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
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Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Ape together strong
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.