I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
dream blunt rotation
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do