Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
You Might Also Like
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.