BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
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I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week