No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
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I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s