Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers