Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
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Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”