Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
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I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I pray every night that I never become religious…
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.