“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
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A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*