The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
this is the news I live for
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”