*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
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interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it