Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
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The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
My love language is deader than Latin
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
wish me luck lads
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.